Although you don't really know me or my entire life story (again, I'm only giving you glimpses.. not to keep you out, but that's all I have to offer...), I assure you that this past year has been quite a journey for me.
My whole life has been about me doing school.. and not just doing school but doing WELL in school. I can guarantee you that if you asked anyone who knows me to describe me, the first thing they would say is, "She's a really good student." or "She's really smart." or something along those lines... I feel like I've always known that I wanted to not only get a Bachelor's degree but also get a Master's and then eventually a PhD. I made this plan in middle school and was sticking to it!
Now... let's go back to October of last year. I started applying for Counseling & Clinical Psychology PhD programs since I'll be finishing up my Master's pretty soon. My professors and all my classmates assured me that I'd be a shoo-in with my 4.0 GPA, competitive GRE score, clinical experience, research experience, and outstanding letters from 3 distinguished faculty members at my current and undergrad universities.
Fast-forward to January/February of this year... I received 3 invitations to interview at some of my top choices, one of them being my very top choice. I was ecstatic. At this point I should mention that getting an interview at a psychology PhD program is just as competitive as getting into med school, according to recent studies. So, I went to each of the interviews (well, the interview at my top choice ended up being over the phone because of an unexpected snow storm... horrible way to interview, by the way!) and felt that they went well. However, much to the shock and awe of everyone around me, I didn't get accepted into any of the programs. For 2 of the programs, I just didn't match well enough with any of the professors (in order to get in, your research interests must match with a mentor). For my top choice, I matched really well with 2 professors. I was told that had they had 1 more spot available, I would have gotten in. They only offer 8 positions every year, and unfortunately for me, I was #9. I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.. I was honored to have been in the top 10 candidates out of the hundreds that apply every year, but I felt mortified to have gotten so close and not made it. How was I going to tell everyone I knew that I hadn't gotten accepted? For the first time in my life, I had been rejected for something school related and felt like a total failure. I was embarrassed and still am a little (but it's ok to open up here because most of you don't know me...).
Now, after this happened, I wish I had time and really needed time to "lick my wounds," but I really couldn't. I had to go on with my life and my Plan B. Plan B was to just take extra courses in order to get licensed (LPC) at the Master's level. So, that's what I'm doing. However, I did not come to this decision lightly. I went to counseling for months in order to determine who I was and what I wanted to do. Remember, my whole life, my identity was wrapped around me being a
Through counseling, I came to realize that 1) I'm more than just "student me." I can't define my entire life by just one part of me. 2) This one event doesn't mean that I'm not a good student. I probably have hundreds of other "facts/events" that can outweigh that one fact. 3) I was still living my life by a plan I had made in middle school!!!! I hadn't accounted for the fact that things might not work out the way I thought they would. I just always assumed that they would go as planned.
So, through these experiences, I've learned that I was so caught up in my plan that I never really took time to figure out what I wanted at this point in my life. After going to counseling, I realized that right now, I am burned out. I've been in school since I was 4 and will be done with my Master's and LPC courses by the time I'm 25. That's 21 years of school without a single break. I'm exhausted. I realized that I can have the career I want without a PhD. I don't want to teach, and I definitely don't want to do research, so I really don't NEED a PhD. It was just part of my plan, so I was going to get it if it killed me. (Now, I'm not saying that I'll never go back to get it... I still think that eventually I do want it... but right now, I want to finish up my Master's and LPC and work for a few years in the field to make sure that when I do apply, I will know for sure what my interests are so that I can make sure I only apply to programs who have faculty with matching interests.) For the first time in my life, I feel content and happy with what I'm doing. I am no longer living by a rigid plan. I have plans for the future but know that when they stop working for me, I can make a new not-so-rigid plan.
So, basically to sum up this unintentionally long post, I want to share a quote from one of my professors: "Blind obsession with the destination causes us to lose the joy of the journey." I was so obsessed with sticking to my plan that I forgot to check in with myself and determine if it was something I still wanted. I was miserable, feeling like I was never going to finish school and never going to be able to start my life. I finally feel like I've started the beginning of the rest of my life! I wanted to write this blog not to throw a pity party for myself or to tell y'all about my scholastic ability/achievements but to hopefully inspire you guys to all enjoy your journey... wherever that may take you. I only wish I had taken more time to enjoy mine sooner. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment