Strong Enough to Break

Hello, strangers.

I'm not sure if anyone comes her anymore. I'm hardly here. I've been focused on getting my professional website and blog up and running. It's something I have to do in order to market myself. These are the things they don't teach you in school. My mother has also been in the hospital, so I had to go home for 2 weeks to see her. She's still in the hospital, but I had to come back to work, unfortunately. Her condition is still pretty serious, but we are seeing some improvements. She has some respiratory issues and will most likely be on oxygen support for the rest of her life. She seems ok with the news, but I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. I worry about her quality of life because she is still fairly young (early 50s).

I just get so frustrated because she has taken care of so many people, and I've also worried about the quality of life she is experiencing. Now I know that her quality of life will be affected, and it just doesn't seem fair to me. Sure, she isn't a perfect person, but I don't think she deserves this shit.

I feel like I just need a vacation from real life. I need to just go sit on a beach somewhere and get centered. I just want a break, even just for a day... to just sit and think and just be there. I worry that I'm going to reach my breaking point, and I'm trying to be so strong for mom.. and because I need to keep up with my own work and life.. and it's just difficult. I'm totally in touch with my emotions, and I'm not trying to push them away or anything like that. I just feel like there is only so much that one person can handle at a time, and I'm reaching that point...

But c'est la vie, right?! This is the hand I was dealt, so I need to accept it and deal with it. I'll get there. I just needed to vent.

Welcome to the real world, sweetheart

Hello, strangers.

Once again I've gone MIA.

I haven't been inspired by much lately, which is why I haven't written much. I've sort of been "stuck" to say the least.

I'm starting to realize that adult life is much different than I imagined it would be. I did everything I was "supposed" to do in the "right" way in order to be sure that I'd have a smooth transition into adulthood. I was Valedictorian of my high school class, graduated in the top 10 students out of 400 for college (undergrad), and made a 4.0 in my Master's program. Besides keeping my grades up, I volunteered, wrote a thesis, and made sure to get experience in the field I wanted to go into. I thought I set myself up to be successful. WRONG!

Where am I now? I have 2 jobs. I was over the moon when I first got offered them. Both are therapist positions, both part time. So, I was able to accept both. Little did I know how few hours I would be getting. Right now I'm probably working 20-30 hours a week and getting paid for 7! It's frustrating. For one of my jobs, I only get paid for the hours I see clients, not the hours I spend preparing paperwork, marketing, or creating my group. For the other job, I was supposed to have more hours, but unfortunately, some of the groups I was supposed to lead haven't started yet. I was told that I'd be working 20-25 paid hours between the 2 jobs, and right now it's 7. I've been beyond pissed. I was sad at first, crying my eyes out on a daily basis. Now I'm just MAD! I've worked my ass off to make sure this wouldn't happen, yet it is. It seems like no matter what I do, how hard I work, it doesn't matter. These are the things they don't tell you about in school.

I keep being told that we will have more clients soon so my hours will pick up. I keep working my ass off in hopes that it'll pay off soon. I'm just getting to the point that I don't know how much longer I can keep working this hard without seeing results without just giving up.

I wish I had something happier, more inspiring to write about tonight, but unfortunately I don't. This is real life bullshit, and right now it's my life. I just needed to vent.

Self Discovery

Hello, strangers.

I'll admit it. I'm quirky. I always have been.

When I was younger, I think I tried to hide it. Trying to fit in was the normal thing to do. So, that's what I did... I hid. I had one group of friends, and I just blended in with them.. well, tried to at least. Sure, I went to a small school, so people knew who I was... but I'm not sure I ever really stood out. I never blended really well either though.

I've always felt like I didn't quite fit in perfectly with anyone. It's not a good or a bad feeling; it's just a feeling.  I don't really mind it on most days. But that wasn't always the case. I remember comparing myself to my twin sister a lot growing up. It was so easy for her to fit in with everyone. Everyone liked her. I always felt like the odd one out. I felt weird.

Now it doesn't really ever bother me. I'm quirky. This is just how I am. I don't necessarily blend in, and I'm not the type of girl to stand out. I'm incredibly ordinary, and at the same time I'm a little extraordinary. This is just who I am. And it wasn't until I learned to embrace my quirkness that I became any of these things. Feeling comfortable with who I am has transformed my life. Don't get me wrong though.. there are still times I feel incredibly insecure because I'm still trying to figure out how to be myself around people. It's scary letting the real you show when people expect something different... they expect the person you showed them from before. So, it's always a new challenge. (I guess it's a good thing I've always up for a good challenge.)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm finding it easier to live more authentically... and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I've embraced that I'm a little quirky, not at all "normal," and perhaps not as ordinary as I once strived to be. It's been a nice but difficult journey to self discovery, and I'm happy that I've learned that it is entirely ok to just be me.

jobs, books, everything.. life at this moment

Hello, strangers.

I thought that since I was out of school now, I'd write more. That hasn't exactly been the case. I have re-written my resume, typed up a cover letter template, and revisited and revised that cover letter for each unique job that I've applied to. And let's just say that job hunting has been a full time job!

I'm actually looking more for a career than a job.. and right now, it has to be internship status. I love the field that I've chosen, but getting to where I want to be will still take a few more years. After graduating with my master's degree, I still have to take my licensing exam, and then do 3000 supervised hours. I feel like a perpetual student. Luckily, my intern status should at least come with payment, even if it is measly.

Anyway, I'm hoping to find an intern placement soon. Sitting at home filling out job applications and studying for my licensing exam isn't exactly fostering my creativity. I have been reading a lot though. I can totally lose myself in a book. I'm currently reading a trilogy. I started the first book on Friday and am already almost done with the 2nd book. I haven't read for pleasure (it's all been school related!) since January. I enjoy sitting down with a cup of tea after a long day of boring paperwork and completing losing myself in a book. I feel completing transported.. like I'm actually there watching the characters interact.. like someone on a movie set. It's quite a strange feeling, but a good one none-the-less. I'm able to relax and not worry about money, or finding a job, or what to cook for dinner. I've forgotten how much I love to read... and write for that matter..

As a teenager, I worked on a short story. It's not complete, but I still have it. I read it back recently, and it's not too bad. I love my 15 year old self for fully expressing her creativity. So brave to attempt to write a short story. Where has that person gone? I want to be like that again. So carefree. I found time to do what made me happy.. and that was writing. Now, I've been hit with reality.. HARD. Until I find a job, I can't devote extra time to my passion. Sometimes real life sucks. Needs vs. wants.. It always comes back to that. Yes, I do believe in balance. I do believe that I can live a balanced life of satisfying my needs and wants.. but right now, it's difficult. If I'm reading or writing, I'm not applying for jobs or studying for my exam. I start to feel guilty. But I need to shake that. I can't possibly be effective if I don't give myself some down time. Right? RIGHT! The code of ethics for my profession that I am bound by states that one must take time for self care. It's just so hard to remember that sometimes. I don't think society values self care like it should be valued. Probably the reason everyone is so unhealthy.. but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, I know I've rambled a lot. I apologize for the unorganized mess that this post is. I guess I just needed some place to vent. I shall re-think my next post.

Until next time....

My Twin Sister's Wedding

Hello, strangers.

Things are finally settling down for me. I graduated with my master's degree on May 12, then I took a trip home to Louisiana for my twin sister's wedding. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. My sister did such an amazing job planning it.

During the wedding, as maid of honor, I had to give a speech. I thought that it was fitting to post it in this blog post. It meant a lot to be to be able to speak at such an important event in my sister's life. I am so lucky to have her as my sister. :)

Here's the speech:

For the few of you who may not know me, I am Jondell, the bride’s twin sister. Today one of us is making a major life change…taking her own path… without the other, so please forgive me if I get a little choked up. Ever since the day I learned that I would have to make a maid of honor speech, I wondered how in the world I would get through it without crying… and I probably won’t.

My sister and I have been best friends our entire lives. In thinking A LOT about today, I’ve tried to come up with a way to explain the relationship that I have with her, and it’s proven to be quite impossible. There are no words that I feel come close to really expressing the connection I have with her. Simply put, we are 2 halves to a whole yet completely and uniquely individual. We are closer than close. As we’ve gotten older, there have been many people who have come and gone, but we have always been safe in the knowledge that we have each other. Even though we are sisters purely by chance, she is my best friend by choice.

As you can imagine, growing up, my sister and I shared everything… interests, clothes, friends, a room, secrets, our birthday. I even picked the same university as her because I couldn’t imagine not sharing that experience with her! I wish everyone could experience what it's like to know that there's one special person that you can say anything to and share everything with. That's what makes today so exciting. Sis, you will now have two such people in your life. You are the first of us to step beyond our circle of 2 and form a completely different kind of lifetime two-some. You are creating an entirely voluntary bond that is born of the love that you and Roger have for each other. Today is also a day that you get to call your very own. Today is the day that our life paths have fully diverged. While that may take a little time to get used to, I am so happy that Roger is the one that you will be walking down your own path with for the rest of your life.

Now, I want to say a little something about Roger. When I first met him, he was very quiet and would hardly talk to me. However, I really got to know him when he moved in with us during my sister’s last semester of college. (And by the way, I think that that move alone shows just how committed he is to my sister. He was willing to put his career on hold and move across the country to be with her. If that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is!) During this time, my relationship with Roger developed into a sort of brother-sister relationship… he would try to put his feet on me or send me pictures of feet through text messages (knowing I HATE feet)… he would steal my hot chocolate. I would get mad. Then when I’d take my daily afternoon nap, he’d run off to the store to buy me 2 new packages of hot chocolate. He was no longer quiet… at some points I could not get him to stop talking!! But in all seriousness, over the past 6 years, I’ve really come to see just how kind and generous Roger is and just how happy he makes my sister. Growing up, my sister always said she would never get married because she wanted to stay living with our parents forever. However, I’m glad that she was able to find someone who was able to change her mind. So, Roger, welcome to the inner circle. You are now my sister’s other half, the person who completes and balances her. Out of all the guys in the world, you are the man she’s chosen, the man she loves. My sister is kind, loyal, smart, generous, and she will love you with everything she has. She is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside… but I’m sure you already know that.

So, to wrap things up before I get too emotional… Roger, welcome to the family. I’d also like to welcome your family into our family. Sis, if I haven’t told you a million times already, you look absolutely beautiful tonight. Roger is a very lucky man. You will always be my best friend. I’m just happy that you were able to find someone else who I could share that honor with. To both of you, I am so honored to be a part of your special day. I have really enjoyed watching your love for one another grow over the last 6 years. I wish you both every bit of happiness as you embark on this exciting new journey together.

Be true to yourself

Hello, strangers.

I've recently moved and have been going through some boxes with lots of old "stuff" in them. I've found old cell phones, letters from friends, old pictures, and what's left of my old diaries. The memories have begun flooding in, and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.

Just the other day I came across a small piece of torn light blue paper that read, "You know what your problem is? You always do what you're supposed to do, not what you want to do." This little beat up scrap of paper is from a diary that was destroyed long ago (about 5.5 years to be exact). It chronicled my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who although he was a jerk at times, was always bluntly honest with me. That little scrap of paper from that long gone journal is something that he said to me about 7-8 years ago. It obviously struck a cord with me at that time, then almost 6 years later when I destroyed then rest of the diary, and then now. It's a simple piece of paper that I can't seem to get rid of. And just to be clear, it's not because HE was the one who said it. I'm not trying to hold on to anything about him. It's just this message. I can't put it out of my mind.

You see, my whole life, it's been true. I've always made decisions based on what was best.. and by what was best, I mean what would be the most socially appropriate decision to make. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. I was a good girl... but to the extreme. I did what I was told, when I was told, and how I was told to do it. I often sacrificed my own wants and desires in order to do what would be considered the right thing to do in so many other people's eyes.

Now, at this point in my life, I'm a 25 year old women. I want to get away from this good girl persona, but it's impossible to shake. It's not like I want to break the law, or do something scandalous. I just want to be able to make decisions that I feel are right and not worry if other people think it's the right decision. I want to take the path that is best for me.

So, I think I'll this little torn scrap of paper, stick it in my purse, and take it out every once in a while to remind myself to be true to myself. <3

a baby named Sophia

Hello, strangers.

Once again, graduate school has taken over my life! Good thing I graduate in May! ;) I'm excited to have my life back!!

I want to share a story about my favorite person in the whole world: my 8 year old little brother. He amazes me more and more each day with his imagination and creativity.

Recently, he called my twin sister, who is getting married in a little less than 2 months. Their conversation went something like this:

Little brother: Hey! Where you at? (with his little Cajun accent)
Sister: At home.
Little brother: Well.... (long pause) are you gonna have a baby after you get married?
Sister: (very surprised by his question) Well, maybe not right away but maybe later...
Little brother: Oh, because I just thought of a name.
Sister: What kind of name?
Little brother: (with excitement in his voice) Sophia!!
Sister: That's a pretty name. I'm going to have to remember that if I ever have a little girl.
Little brother: Welllllllllllll, are ya??
Sister: I don't know, but maybe one day.. and I'll have to remember your name if I do, huh?
Little brother: Yeah! Ok, I just wanted to tell you that! Bye! I love you!

Now I know to most people this conversation may not seem very significant... but you see, my little brother is growing up FAST! I'm always dreading the day when he becomes "too cool" for his big sisters... dreading the day that he no longer thinks I'm fun or cool! He's already stopped hugging my sister and me in front of his friends, even though we both live out of state and only see him a few times a year.. These last 8 years have passed by quickly, and I know when he's a teenager, his 30something year old sisters will seem far from cool! However, conversations like this make me realize how much he thinks about my sister and me and how much he wants to be a part of our lives. & I guarantee, the day my sister or I find out we are pregnant, he will be sure to hold us to the promise that we would take his baby name into consideration. I have a feeling whichever one of us has a daughter first will use the name Sophia.. it may not be a first name, but it'll make it in there somehow (middle name perhaps)... because this little boy, who is almost 17 years younger than us, has made such a huge impact on our lives. He just melts our hearts. <3

Everybody Knows Somebody

Hello, strangers.

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. For those of you who don't really know me, the reason I got into psychology was because of my interest in eating disorders.

In the United States alone, approximately 10 million women and girls suffer from either anorexia or bulimia. That means that 1 in 10 women suffer from these disorders! Approximately 1 million men also suffer from these conditions; although, this number is estimated to be much higher as many of these cases go unreported. Another 25 million people suffer from binge eating disorder. And these numbers do not include those individuals who suffer from sub-clinical issues such as body dissatisfaction, negative body image, and disordered eating. The theme of this year's NEDAwareness Week is "Everybody Knows Somebody." These numbers indicate that it is very likely that you or someone you know could be struggling with an eating disorder or a sub-clinical concern...

NEDA asks that everyone do just ONE thing to help spread awareness about these devastating conditions. Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices; they are life-threatening illnesses. Did you know that anorexia has the highest level of premature fatality of any mental disorder? What that means is that more people die from complications from anorexia than any other psychological disorder!

Today, with 2 other classmates, I am hosting an event on my university campus to help raise awareness. I am also writing this blog... What will you do?

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS. <3

Hello, strangers.

I'll admit it. I'm a recent transplant to Texas. I'm not a Texan, nor do I think I could ever consider myself one, no matter how long I live here or how much I love Austin. Truth is, I grew up in a small town in Louisiana. And I always wanted to leave. I was a small town girl who just know I was destined to live in a big city. So, here I am now... living in Austin, TX. It's one of my favorite cities in the country!

However, just last weekend, I went to New Orleans for a friend's birthday celebration. A few of my fellow Texans and I took a weekend mini-vacation there. Although I didn't grow up in New Orleans or visit it much when I lived in LA, the culture is still MY culture. I was back in an atmosphere that I was completely comfortable in. The coffee. The beignets. The food. The music. It all just felt like HOME. I can't quite describe the feeling, but it's something similar to "belonging." It's weird because I always knew that I'd move away from Louisiana, but being back there made me miss it.

Yes, I said it.. I miss home. Honestly, I never thought I would. Louisiana was too small for me. I was bored. But being away from there for about 3 years now, I've realized that the culture is so unique. It's unlike any other place in the world. It's amazing. Don't get me wrong... Austin is an explosion of culture.. but it's not the same. At least, it's not the same to me. Maybe I'm biased. But I've heard others (not from LA) explain it the same way. It's so different but completely inviting... like you just want to jump right in and experience it all!

So, I guess this past weekend lead me to realize that Louisiana will always hold a special place in my heart. It's not only where my family is from, but it's a part of me... a big part. I love the music, the uniquely amazing food, and the way that everyone treats you like you're a part of their family, even if they only just met you! So, yes, I'll admit it, I am and always will be a Louisiana girl. ;)

I said YES!

Hello, strangers.

As mentioned in my last post, I had quite a busy few weeks, so I've been a bit absent from here.

I hope your holidays were filled with good food, loving family, and fun-loving friends. Mine were quite magical.

I started my vacation with a trip to my favorite place on Earth: Walt Disney World. I hadn't been there since 2007, and in 2006, I did an 8 month internship there, where I met an enormous amount of amazing people. So, it's an understatement when I say that I was happy to be back.

I went with my boyfriend, and his friend flew in the same day that we got there. His plan was to spend the first weekend there, then the bf and I would have the rest of the week to ourselves. It was much needed couple time, in my opinion. :)

The first park we went to was Epcot. It's my absolute favorite place to be. For those of you who haven't been, the park is split into 2 parts: Future World and then World Showcase, which is a tour of countries from around the world, positioned around a reflective lagoon. The second part is my favorite. Nothing beats walking around a beautiful body of water, trying different food and drink from around the world! We started our trip in Mexico, then headed to Norway, China, Germany, Italy, America, Japan, and Morocco. After Morocco, we arrived in France, but since we wanted to take pictures in all of the countries and the sun at this point was in a less than desirable position to get a good photo of their version of the Eiffel Tower, we decided to go to the United Kingdom and Canada first. This plan also worked because we had reservations for Le Bistro de Paris later in the evening.

France was always my favorite pavilion. I've had a strong desire to visit the real France ever since I can remember, and for now, this is the closest I'll get. However, little did I know, after this trip, I'd love this pavilion even more!

When we got to France, we (boyfriend and I) sat down on the fountain, with their version of the Eiffel Tower in the background. It was the perfect backdrop for a picture. Our friend who was taking the photos gave us a thumbs up, and I assumed that meant he had taken the photo. I soon realized that the thumbs up was not for me but for my boyfriend. I found out later that this was the sign they had planned so that my boyfriend would know that our friend had started video taping our interaction. Just then, my boyfriend got down on one knee (I had to watch the video to confirm this because at this moment, I was completely shocked!) and proposed! The ring was absolutely beautiful! Before he could put it on my hand though, I had to remove a ring that I had on that finger already. It was a stubborn little sucker, but we were sitting next to a fountain.. and the water helped! Haha! At that point, we had drawn a crowd, so when he put the ring on my finger and we kissed, we had a cheering audience. I have never been so embarrassed and happy at the same time! Being that I met my boyfriend while we were both working there and I had always wanted to get engaged in either Paris OR Disney World, this proposal was PERFECT! It incorporated everything that I ever wanted! I was in awe with his planning of it.

After calling/texting/facebooking all of my family and friends, we had dinner at Le Bistro de Paris, and it was one of the best meals of my life. They even brought us a little plate that had "Congratulations" written in chocolate and little flowers made out of fresh fruit. After this meal, we caught IllumiNations: Reflections of Earth, my favorite firework show. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day. :)

The rest of the time there, we wore "Just Engaged" buttons that they provide and got to skip a few lines and even got a free photo from Splash Mountain (my most favorite ride.. in Magic Kingdom.)! It was a perfect vacation.

After our Disney trip, we got to see my family for Christmas and then my now fiance's family for New Years! They were all excited to see the ring and about our news.

So, throughout this vacation, we traveled 2615 miles through all of the Gulf Coast states, went to Disney World, and got to see all of our family and friends. My 2011 holidays were definitely the best yet! ;)