Thunderstorms

A friend recently posted this image on her facebook page. It's a thunderstorm over Miami, Florida. I thought, "Wow.." After all, it's a really interesting and beautiful photograph. Then I commented on how different it looks when we're in a (real) thunderstorm rather than looking at it from a distance. It's just so mind-boggling different.

For some reason, this made me think about life and the daily "thunderstorms" we encounter. When we're in the middle of it all, we get drenched by the rain and have to deal with with the flashes and booming of lightning and thunder. However, for other people, looking at it from the outside, they can see it but they can't really experience what you're experiencing at that very moment. It's simply a difference in perspectives. We can never truly understand (we can try..) what someone else is going through because we're simply on the outside looking in. Funny how nature has a way of giving us life lessons when we're not even looking for them. :)

Mistakes are lessons learned.

Hello, strangers.

When I was 17, I tried to understand something that I was just incapable of understanding: love.

I gave my heart to a man (yes, a 24 year old man...) who wasn't really a man at all. He was more interested in playing games with my heart than actually keeping it safe like I thought he would.

Silly me... I was a little too green and perhaps much too blind to realize what was really going on. I hung onto every word he said and believed every little lie because I thought I knew what love was, and this was love. Ha! Boy, was I wrong. I quickly (if you think 2 years is quick) learned that what he was doing wasn't love at all.

However, looking back on this experience, I am not angry.. nor am I bitter. In fact, I am thankful (yes, I said thankful!) that I experienced this so early on in my love life. I quickly (again, this under the assumption that we all believe 2 years is quick ;)) realized what it is I wanted and didn't want, deserved and didn't deserve, and what I should and shouldn't put up with in a relationship.

So, although this wasn't the best time of my life, nor is the hurt something I would ever want to experience again, I am thankful for it... because some mistakes are worth experiencing. Lesson learned.

The Journey

Hello, strangers.

Although you don't really know me or my entire life story (again, I'm only giving you glimpses.. not to keep you out, but that's all I have to offer...), I assure you that this past year has been quite a journey for me.

My whole life has been about me doing school.. and not just doing school but doing WELL in school. I can guarantee you that if you asked anyone who knows me to describe me, the first thing they would say is, "She's a really good student." or "She's really smart." or something along those lines... I feel like I've always known that I wanted to not only get a Bachelor's degree but also get a Master's and then eventually a PhD. I made this plan in middle school and was sticking to it!

Now... let's go back to October of last year. I started applying for Counseling & Clinical Psychology PhD programs since I'll be finishing up my Master's pretty soon. My professors and all my classmates assured me that I'd be a shoo-in with my 4.0 GPA, competitive GRE score, clinical experience, research experience, and outstanding letters from 3 distinguished faculty members at my current and undergrad universities.

Fast-forward to January/February of this year... I received 3 invitations to interview at some of my top choices, one of them being my very top choice. I was ecstatic. At this point I should mention that getting an interview at a psychology PhD program is just as competitive as getting into med school, according to recent studies. So, I went to each of the interviews (well, the interview at my top choice ended up being over the phone because of an unexpected snow storm... horrible way to interview, by the way!) and felt that they went well. However, much to the shock and awe of everyone around me, I didn't get accepted into any of the programs. For 2 of the programs, I just didn't match well enough with any of the professors (in order to get in, your research interests must match with a mentor). For my top choice, I matched really well with 2 professors. I was told that had they had 1 more spot available, I would have gotten in. They only offer 8 positions every year, and unfortunately for me, I was #9. I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.. I was honored to have been in the top 10 candidates out of the hundreds that apply every year, but I felt mortified to have gotten so close and not made it. How was I going to tell everyone I knew that I hadn't gotten accepted? For the first time in my life, I had been rejected for something school related and felt like a total failure. I was embarrassed and still am a little (but it's ok to open up here because most of you don't know me...).

Now, after this happened, I wish I had time and really needed time to "lick my wounds," but I really couldn't. I had to go on with my life and my Plan B. Plan B was to just take extra courses in order to get licensed (LPC) at the Master's level. So, that's what I'm doing. However, I did not come to this decision lightly. I went to counseling for months in order to determine who I was and what I wanted to do. Remember, my whole life, my identity was wrapped around me being a good great student.. Then here I was: REJECTED. This one event had caused me to question my entire identity.

Through counseling, I came to realize that 1) I'm more than just "student me." I can't define my entire life by just one part of me. 2) This one event doesn't mean that I'm not a good student. I probably have hundreds of other "facts/events" that can outweigh that one fact. 3) I was still living my life by a plan I had made in middle school!!!! I hadn't accounted for the fact that things might not work out the way I thought they would. I just always assumed that they would go as planned.

So, through these experiences, I've learned that I was so caught up in my plan that I never really took time to figure out what I wanted at this point in my life. After going to counseling, I realized that right now, I am burned out. I've been in school since I was 4 and will be done with my Master's and LPC courses by the time I'm 25. That's 21 years of school without a single break. I'm exhausted.  I realized that I can have the career I want without a PhD. I don't want to teach, and I definitely don't want to do research, so I really don't NEED a PhD. It was just part of my plan, so I was going to get it if it killed me. (Now, I'm not saying that I'll never go back to get it... I still think that eventually I do want it... but right now, I want to finish up my Master's and LPC and work for a few years in the field to make sure that when I do apply, I will know for sure what my interests are so that I can make sure I only apply to programs who have faculty with matching interests.) For the first time in my life, I feel content and happy with what I'm doing. I am no longer living by a rigid plan. I have plans for the future but know that when they stop working for me, I can make a new not-so-rigid plan.

So, basically to sum up this unintentionally long post, I want to share a quote from one of my professors: "Blind obsession with the destination causes us to lose the joy of the journey." I was so obsessed with sticking to my plan that I forgot to check in with myself and determine if it was something I still wanted. I was miserable, feeling like I was never going to finish school and never going to be able to start my life. I finally feel like I've started the beginning of the rest of my life! I wanted to write this blog not to throw a pity party for myself or to tell y'all about my scholastic ability/achievements but to hopefully inspire you guys to all enjoy your journey... wherever that may take you. I only wish I had taken more time to enjoy mine sooner. :)

Identity

Hello, strangers.

I started this blog for the reason I would say most people do... to let others see glimpses of the world through my eyes and to let them get a sense of who I am. It's not meant to be anything more than that really. I just needed some outlet to let "myself" out every once in a while. However, what I failed to realize is that these little glimpses don't give people an entire view of my world. This realization came to me last night as I was doing some work for school, although I've had experiences like this in the past. I've often been told that I turn out to be quite different than what people expect when they first meet me. I often get told that people thought I was going to be snobby. I think it's because I'm shy. I also had a now good friend tell me that she was intimidated by me and didn't think I would be nice, but then she was glad she got to know me. I see myself as a super nice person and I love making new friends, so I asked her why she thought I would be mean. She said it was because of the way I looked. Interesting. :) Anyway, back to the present...

I'm currently reading a book about archetypes that we live by, and in the book, there is this neat little quiz that helps you discover which archetypes are most present/dominant in your life and which ones aren't. However, not only did I have to fill out the quiz, I'm supposed to get a family member, a friend, and a coworker to fill it out as well. Since my boyfriend was lying in bed next to me as I took the quiz, I decided that he could act as a "friend" and fill it out as well. I told him to be completely honest and not to worry about hurting my feelings, and reluctantly, he took the little quiz.

Upon comparing our answers, I realized that the way I see myself is somewhat different than the way my  boyfriend views me, perhaps because of the limited amount things I share about myself with others. I mean, honestly, it's impossible to let someone else completely know what your world is like. It would be exhausting to even try...

So, I wanted to share the answers that were similar and the ones that were different. Basically, this book talks about six archetypes: the orphan, the wanderer, the warrior, the altruist, the innocent, and the magician. There are 6 questions, each with 2 columns of characteristics for the quiz. So, basically each person just checks off the characteristics that they feel fit the person (so, I checked off the ones I think fit my personality, and my boyfriend checked off the ones they he thought fit my personality). Column A had all the "positive" (+) qualities associated with the particular archetype, and Column B had all the "negative" (-) qualities associated with that archetype. It wasn't until the quiz was finished that I was able to see which archetype went with each question, but I'll talk about that more in a bit.

So, for the orphan archetype, my boyfriend and I both picked these characteristics that fit me: realistic (+) empathic (+), and a whiner (-). However, I also picked: resilient (+) and suspicious (-). I found it interesting that he picked the same ones as me, except for 2, and didn't have any others that I didn't pick. I also wondered why he didn't see me as resilient, but then I remembered that he's only been in my life for a little over 5 years, so perhaps he wasn't around during the times when I had to be resilient. :)

For the wanderer archetype, my boyfriend and I both picked: autonomous (+). I also picked: a divergent thinker (+), and he also picked: individualistic (+). I found it interesting that neither of us picked any "negative" qualities for this archetype for me, but again, it was things like "rebel" and "has trouble fitting in," which are not things that describe me at all.

For the warrior archetype, we both picked: a winner (+) and disciplined (+). However, our "negative" qualities differed. I picked: overly competitive (-), and he picked: stubborn (-). Interesting.

For the altruist archetype, we both picked: caring (+), conscientious (+), willing to sacrifice (+), and generous (+). He didn't pick any "negative" qualities for me, but I picked: intrusive (-) and controlling (-). I found this one incredibly interesting. I was almost certain he'd pick intrusive.. I mean, I'm always digging in his phone.. not because I don't trust him. I just think his text conversations with his friends are funny, and I like to read them. LOL.. Guess he didn't think of that. He told me he didn't pick controlling because I'm not a controlling girlfriend in any way. I thought it was interesting he only thought of that aspect of me because I know I'm not a controlling girlfriend, but when it comes to school, I'm a pretty controlling person. It just made me realize that he knows more about the girlfriend version of me than the school version of me. So, in reality, he doesn't see my whole world like I do every day.

For the innocent archetype, we both picked: optimistic (+), trustworthy (+), morally good (+), gullible (-), and goody-goody (-). Additionally, I chose: trusting (+) and naive (-). I inquired why he didn't think I was "trusting," and he said, "Well, you trust me, but I don't think you trust other people.. like when you work in groups at school, I know you get worried that other people won't do their work!" Haha. So, he thought of student me for this question. :)

Finally, for the magician archetype, he chose absolutely none of the characteristics. I chose: creative (+), a catalyst for change (+), and weird (-). Haha. When he was done, I again asked him about his answers. I said, "You really don't think I'm weird?! I feel weird." He said that he thinks I'm quite normal. Once again, I was intrigued by our differences. I thought it was interesting that I often feel "weird," although not in a bad way, but he doesn't see that.

So, as you can see from this lengthy post, we view me differently. There are characteristics that I see in myself but he doesn't, and there are characteristics that he sees in me that I don't. But the most interesting thing to me is that we're basing all of this on information provided by ONE person: me.

So, how can 2 people view one person differently? Well, maybe it's because of the way I present myself. Perhaps, I'm not always 100% real. Or maybe I'm biased and can't see certain aspects of myself... Or maybe the way he processes certain things is different than the way I do.. Perhaps when I act a certain way, he thinks it's because of a reason completely different than the reason I'm actually doing it. Maybe it's all of these reasons and more that I can't think of.

Regardless of the differences though, the 2 archetypes that we both found to be the most dominant in my life are: the innocent followed by the altruist. So, although some of the characteristic details are different, we both see my overall personality and have a good sense of who I am as a WHOLE person... and perhaps that's the most important part of all... :)

Wrinkles only go where smiles have been.

Hello, strangers.

2 blog posts in one day? Crazy, I know.. but I was inspired and had to get my thoughts down before I forget them (read previous post)! :)

So, I had my first class of the fall semester today. My professor is a balding, older man, whose pants are pulled up a little too high, making them a little too short. He's somewhat serious, with a dry (but I must mention VERY funny) sense of humor and a zest for life I haven't seen in many people.He tells a lot of stories, but they are all very interesting, and I can tell he is really passionate about his career (which is a good thing, considering he's teaching us about career counseling!).

I view myself as a pretty observant person, and I noticed that my professor has these small (but pretty defined) laugh line wrinkles on the side of each of his eyes. Now, I must admit... up until this point, I feared getting wrinkles when I get older. Vain, I know.. but in my eyes, age lines seemed to be one of the worst parts of getting older. However, after seeing my professor (and his wrinkles) today, my whole view on wrinkles have changed drastically. In fact, I hope to one day have laugh line wrinkles like my professor.. because then that would mean that I lived a very happy life filled with tons of smiles and laughter.

Funny how one small observation can change your (or at least my) whole view about a topic. I hope that you too have a life filled with many happy times, evidenced by your small but very defined laugh line wrinkles later on in life! :)

Lost Thoughts

Hello, strangers.

Ever have a day when you have trouble remembering just about anything? Yeah, well, that's the story of my life. Graduate school has officially fried my brain... My once great photographic memory has turned into a complete mushy mess of lost, unfinished thoughts...

I usually do most of my thinking before bed, and I always come up with these fantastic blog posts that I can't wait to write the next morning. I literally write out the entire post in my head, making changes to sentences and getting it perfectly organized. When I think, I see images... so I can literally see myself typing out the blog, making changes as needed, checking spelling, looking at the preview, and then hitting the "Publish Post" button... all the while feeling quite delighted with my work and myself. Then I go to sleep super excited about writing my next great post the next morning, only to wake up remembering not a thing about it... I can't even remember the topic, yet alone all the perfectly detailed sentences I had come up with. It wouldn't be so annoying if it only happened once.. but I can honestly say, this has happened to me at least 5 times since I started this blog. I want to write about interesting, yet somewhat quirky things... but I can't remember a darn thing! So, I end up with these somewhat insightful, hardly interesting blog posts. Not at all what I intended to do with this blog...

So, my new goal... REMEMBER what the heck I want to write.. Maybe I need to keep a pen and paper next to my bed... Then I can jot down the topic and kind of outline what I want to say. I would keep my computer in my room and write my blogs when I think of great topics, but the light from the computer bothers my boyfriend... and he has to work early in the morning... and I don't think he'd appreciate me running out of the room every night to come out and play on my laptop. Ha! ;)

So, hopefully, these little lost thoughts in my brain will somehow find their way back to me so that I can share with y'all my somewhat quirky, always idealistic, maybe a little funny, interesting thoughts. :)

Relationships

Hello, strangers. I've been a little MIA because of my summer classes. Grad school classes during the summer are absolutely insane. Glad they are over. :)

Anyway, I think a lot about our relationships with other people. I think I mentioned before that there are 2 things that I personally think give life meaning: 1) what you do (which I've already talked about) and 2) your relationships with others.. especially how you treat other people.

Recently, I had a friend tell me that she would never volunteer because she refuses to do work that she can't get paid for. This bothered me for 2 reasons: 1) We're going to school to be helping professionals, and we will most likely HAVE to do probono work. 2) I felt it was an incredibly selfish thing to say. I know I made a judgment, but at that moment, I couldn't help myself. I chose a career path which allows me to help others, and I just assumed that other people in this field would feel the same. Guess there are people in every field who are just in it for the money.

Anyway, getting back to relationships.. I just think it's so important for us to build relationships with others. Those relationships come from the way we treat others. For me, it's about treating others in the way that I would want them to treat me. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. I think that if you are nice and respectful, people will treat you that way as well.

I also think it's quite interesting how we develop relationships with others. Every decision we make in life affects who we will meet and form relationships with. I think had I not made the decision to do an internship my first year of college, I would have never met my boyfriend, then I would not have ended up at the grad school I did, and I would not have met the many wonderful people that I've met these last 2 years. Kind of crazy that one little decision (to do an internship) affected my life in such a profound way. I think it's interesting how that happens...

I want to leave you guys with a story from a girl I used to work with. I thought the way she looked at the world was quite beautiful.  One day her phone rang, and she didn't recognize the number. She answered anyway and quickly realized that the man on the other end of the line had the wrong number. Instead of just hanging up with him quickly, she told him, "You know, had you not dialed the wrong number, I probably would have never, in my life, talked to you..." Then they went on to talk about how with just one wrong number, a person can make an impact on someone else's life... it may be a TINY impact, but an impact none-the-less... The man told my friend that he had never thought of this before and thanked her for changing his perspective just a little... all because of a wrong number... Interesting, I thought...  :)